WTH? April 6, 2009

So yesterday I spotted.  I am only CD 18 — it seems way too early for it to be implantation bleeding and I’m pretty sure I didn’t O this cycle.  Has that ever happened to anyone?  I have NEVER had that happen to me before in my life..I don’t usually spot until right before AF and that is anywhere from CD 30-CD45.

Has this happened to anyone at CD 18 or around there?  If so, what did it mean?  I don’t want to think it’s implantation, don’t want to get my hopes up, so please tell me if you think that is impossible!

Clinical Trial April 1, 2009

Ok, so here is some possibly exciting news:

I did a little googling to see if there were any IF clinical trials going on in Chicago right now, since that is where we will be moving.  I found the Fertility Center of Illinois (the 2nd largets Fertility clinic in the U.S.) and found out that they were doing a study involving PCOS women.  So I put in my info, not really expecting to hear back.  This morning I got a phone call from a super nice lady and she told me all about the study.  She asked me a bunch of questions and told me that I qualified.  Sounds perfect, right?

Well, the catch is that the study involves IVF.  We haven’t even had a chance to try IUI’s yet, so IVF has not even been on my radar.  Actually P and I have not really even discussed how we feel about the procedure ethically and otherwise.  BUT, with the trial, if I don’t have insurance (which I probably won’t when we move, at least until I get a job),  we could do the whole shebang (except for the drugs, we would pay for those separately) for $5,000.  So we would get a whole cycle of IVF for pretty much 1/2 price or even less then that really.

So P and I have a lot to talk about.  I went ahead and scheduled a consultation for when we go up there in April, just because that will covered by my current insurance, and hey, why not?  Illinois is state mandated to have IF insurance, so even if I don’t do the study, eventually, hopefully, I will have the coverage to do IF stuff again, and I would want to try out this clinic anyway.  They nice lady on the phone said that the doctor she was scheduling my consultation with has been on Oprah and everything!

So, pretty exciting I guess, but I’m so unsure…I would really LOVE and appreciate your advice or comments on this!

That’s that. March 19, 2009

AF came. 2 days earlier then expected.  So thats that.  We are moving, so we aren’t doing IF treatments anymore until we move and get new insurance.  Which could be 3 months or it could 3 years.

Yeah.  So that’s that.

so so sorry March 15, 2009

you guys, seriously, if any of you are still reading this…im so so sorry. i have been the worst at posting recently.   i have some excuses for it, but i do want to apologize.  the main excuse is that im trying not to use my work computer anymore for anything un-work related (which is really really hard for me by the way..) and we dont have the internet at home anymore…so, please forgive me.

i am smack dab in the middle of my first 2WW.  Can any of you remember your first one? I feel so many different feelings at once….knowing that this will be the last one for awhile since we are moving makes me feel sad.  knowing that if i do get pregnant i will really complicate our move makes me scared as hell.  knowing that i could actually be pregnant this time makes me giddy with the possibilities.  so realy im just trying not to think about it too much, it just hurts my head.

any good ideas on how to not think about baby stuff during your 2WW?  hope everyone is doing well, i still allow myself to read the blogs while at work, just only once a day, so i am still keeping up with you all, even though i havent been posting! good luck to all you in 2ww and congrats to those of you with BFPs in the past month.  to those of you with bad news or no news at all, im praying for you all!

The Pipers… March 5, 2009

I was just given this link to another blog from a friend who is encouraging me during my IF journey and I thought I should share it with all of you.  Although this post was written due to grieving over a still born child, I was amazed at how familiar her process is to mine…please read this and be encouraged as I was that you are not alone in your grief…

http://thepipers.wordpress.com/2009/03/05/what-does-grief-look-like-at-17-months/

Big news! March 3, 2009

So big big news: We are moving to Chicago!  Yup, P got accepted into his second choice grad school for Art History, School of the Art Institute of Chicago.  He has yet to hear from his first choice, but his first choice is also in Chicago, U. of C., so no matter what, come July, rain or shine, job or not, we will be moving!

This is so crazy, I am having a hard time knowing what to feel.  I really didn’t think this would actually happen, so now I have to reorder my expectations for sure.  Im scared about getting a job, I’m scared about getting IF coverage, I’m scared I will get pregnant this month and then NEVER be able to get a job 6 months pregnant.

I really need to trust that the Lord is Sovereign and will care for us, but it is so hard sometimes.  I started the injections last night, my ovaries are already sore, is this normal?  After this cycle, we will be doing strictly natural (with metformin) cycles until we move, just to save some cash in case we don’t get jobs right away.  I’m actually kind of nervous about telling my RE and nurse about this decision for some reason, but I’m sure it will be fine.  I told my acupuncturist today and she was so encouraging.  I think I may continue to go to her once a month right before AF, because it really makes itmuch more manageable.

So, do any of you live in Chicago?  Any advice about job hunting? We have great friends that live there already and who are willing to help us out, but all the help I can get would be awesome!

good news! February 27, 2009

So i actually have some good news to post for once!  A couple of good things:

1. i started AF on my own! without medicine! yay! (its a painful one though, but still, i’m glad it came).

2. i called my RE to set up an ultrasound for the round of fem.ara and he told me he had some free injectables if i wanted them! 3 full free days of the stuff! he said they were expired by one month but hadnt been mixed and would not be a problem at all.  so this cycle will be an injectable one! my stomach is getting a little queasy just thinking about giving myself shots, but i can do it, right?

Has this ever happened to you? your RE having free meds? the meds being expired?  if you think i shouldn’t take them, please let me know. the RE and the nurse both said they would still be good.

so i will be going in on monday for a class to learn how to stick myself, and then wednesday is blood work.  unfortunately P and i are going away the 8-10, so unless we can get the IUI in by saturday, it will be a natural cycle.  pray or keep your fingers crossed, i would really love to do iui this cycle and get the most bang for the buck.  the pharmacy called today and is sending me my meds by tomorrow! i still have to pay for 7 more days worth, but its a huge financial relief not to have to pay for it all! also, i have IF coverage, so it should all be under $200.

hope everyone is doing well, lets see some BFPs!

ICLW February 23, 2009

sorry everyone, i know that it has been awhile since ive posted anything.  honestly, i just didnt really have much to say.  i was just waiting around to see if AF (aunt flo) would show up on her own this time instead of having to take drugs to induce it, and luckily, i have seen signs of her today.  usually for me, getting AF is a depressing time, but today i actually celebrated since it is the first month in awhile that she has showed up without any assistance. 

so anyway, im a day late, but welcome ICLW’ers, i promise i usually post more often.  i have really been on an emotional roller coaster this past month, but i am beginning to come back around, as i always do, to the fact that God is good and that i can’t escape Him, even when he strikes me down.  as much as long to not believe anymore in a God that has chosen to make me wait for the one thing i long for, i just cant run away from the truth that has proven itself to me over and over again.  so now i am just praying for some peace from the Lord, just a little bit of understanding maybe.  oh, and also, a baby would be nice too

facebook anyone? February 6, 2009

I just felt the need to vent for a second, so just give me a minute here, ok? i think i’m going to suspend my facebook.  there’s the obvious reason that it takes up too much of my time at work and its extremely addicting.  but theres another, more potent reason for my facebook hate right now…

its the ultrasound pictures used as photo ids, that you have to see everytime a blurb about that person comes up

its the status updates that center SOLELY around a pregnancy and how wonderful (or sometimes awful) it is to be a mom and be pregnant, etc etc.

its the fact that i have been so tempted to message a couple people that i barely even know and tell them how their statuses and their ultrasound pictures feel like a dagger in my heart.  i know thats not wise, and im not going to do it, but i think i need to suspend facebook.

what about you? have you felt this way, have you stopped using facebook or myspace for the same reason? any advice on a way to deal with it and still use facebook?

Quick Update: February 5, 2009

I dont have much heart to update, lets just say things are bad.  please keep me in your prayers or thoughts.

the c.lomid didn’t work.  we are going to try femara one more month and then move on to injectables.  which will cost me about $200 with my insurance i think. i know thats cheaper then some of you who dont have any insurance, but its still a lot and assuming that we would be doing IUIs as well, it means about $500 a month.  its hard to stomach.