He restoreth my soul.

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“Sometimes I feel, maybe I’m not chosen January 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:57 pm

You’ve hardened my heart like Pharaoh, and that would explain why life’s been so hard for me.” This is from a Caedmon’s Call song and it is something I have been ruminating on now for about a day. Yesterday morning I had my weekly breakfast with a wonderful 17 year old girl, and the following conversation took place:

me: “how do you feel like you are doing, spiritually?”
her: “well, not good. I guess I have just come to know and believe that I’m just not chosen by God to have a relationship with Him”.
me: (staring dumbfounded for a moment) “You can’t know if thats true or not, please don’t give up.”

AARGH, I didn’t know what to say! Here I am, a supposedly mature 24 year old, supposedly close enough to God to be able to spiritually mentor someone, but seriously, there are times when I feel exactly like this girl.

My life has been pretty hard.  Of course, there are many blessings to count along the way, such as always having a roof over my head and food to eat, being rich in the standards of most of the world (not America though haha) and having met and married my wonderful P. But, at risk of sounding complaining here, I have gone through some really tough sh*t.  IF for one thing, and my parents divorce when I was 20 are two major examples.  So I have to admit that there are times when that Caedmon’s Call lyric cuts deep to the bone…maybe I’m not chosen?  I feel as though I’m slowely coming out of the deep freeze that my heart has been in for the past 2 years concerning God, but I really take one step forward and 3 steps back.  I have never felt close to God the way some of my friends and family members do.  I’m just trying to figure out if that is my own sinfulness and something that I can work on, or if it really is God’s choosing to relate to me at a distance.

Anyway, I just had that circling around in my head and wanted to get it out.  I will update after my appointment on the 4th to let you know if C.lomid worked this time!

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UPDATE: January 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 5:09 pm

so $243.00 bought me a little piece of good news: NO CYSTS! i’m going to go ahead and assume that the acupuncture helped with that 🙂

so now, onto cycle 2 with an upped dose of Clomid (150mg) and some fervent prayers that it will create bigger and more follicles this time! my u/s is on feb. 4th, the day after my next acupuncture appt, so i will update after that! thanks for all your prayers and well wishes!

 

Without Thy sweet mercy i could not live here

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:06 pm

Just wanted to put up a quick post in order to praise God for His grace to me when I am in need. Yesterday was a day of deep despair, as I found out that I would have to spend $300 (my deductible) to get an ultrasound just to determine if I have any cysts or not — if I have some, they won’t go through with a cycle this month, and then of course, next month I will have to spend money to get ANOTHER ultrasound to see if there are cysts, and so forth. Anyway, the exorbitant price of this IF stuff is really starting to get to P and honestly, to me as well. But anyway…I was really down. Really really really down, dont want to get out of bed kind of down. P running out to buy me a milkshake to try and make me feel better kind of down. and then my phone rings. and i was able to have a hard conversation with someone that i didnt think i would have had any other way and it was needed. it was freeing. i felt like a weight was lifted off of me. thank you if you are reading this — your call was a mercy from the Lord.

and then we had friends over, good, dear friends who know my situation (not many real-life friends know at this juncture) and who really truly care about me. a friend and his wife spent about 20 minutes on my porch just encouraging me, shedding tears and letting me know that me and P’s happiness mattered immensely to them and that they pray in faith and hope for us to have a baby. ive realized how blessed I am to have friends who can pray with hope for me, as I pretty much have no hope at this moment in time. its good to know that others can trust God for me when I can’t.

so thank you, Lord — even when I was deep in despair, You lifted up my eyes to the heavens, whence comes my hope.

 

si se puede January 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 8:36 pm

P.S.

!!!!

YES WE CAN – 1/20/09!

 

ICLW

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 8:18 pm

Just wanted to say hey to any new readers who are stopping by during International Comment Leaving Week (or IComLeaveWe)! A big thanks to Stirrup Queens for being so awesome and organizing these things. I’m going to try VERY hard to do this, I get really busy, but I think its a great way to get to know this huge IF community.

I’m doing much better then I was about a week ago, but still struggling a little emotionally. I have some wonderful friends though who have really encouraged me this week, so I’m very thankful to them. I am ready today to see my friend who just got pregnant and really congratulate her and mean it, which is a big break through from last week! Another new tidbit, I have started acupuncture! I didn’t get much advice on here concerning it, but did a lot of Google searching and decided that it would be worth it. My acupuncturist is AMAZING and I love her already. Here’s to hoping it works — I started AF today (p.eriod) and am hoping that the acupuncture will already work to ease my cramps.

I will be doing a stronger dose of Clomid this month, hoping that it creates 3-4 follicles that are 14mm or larger, so keep praying for me or keep your fingers crossed!

Happy ICLW!

 

She gave me acupuncture as her alibi January 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 7:32 pm

So I think I may do acupuncture — I am looking into it. I have made a couple of calls (there are only a couple of acupuncture places here) and I am having one place send me information (they charge for the first consultation) and another place I set up a consultation for Friday. Its pretty expensive, both places are 125 for the first visit and then 75 after, is that the normal pricing?

What do you guys know about acupuncture? All the advice, stories, pros and cons you could give me would be helpful!

 

I’m still alive underneath this shroud. January 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 8:04 pm

Please pray for me.  Beginning Saturday around noon, an overwhelming feeling of despair began creeping over me, and I still feel it today.  News of a dear friends’ new pregnancy, my father’s wedding (on saturday — the news of the prenancy came literally 30 minutes before my dad and his new wife said their vows) and impending layoffs at work are not doing wonders for my faith. I am always in constant struggle with anxiety, even before IF hit my life.  I don’t know if it is because the news of my friends’ pregnancy came right around the same time that I had just taken a pregnancy test (BFN, meaning I will have to take the drugs to make my period come) or if it was because it came at a time that was already extremely emotional and tender to me (my father’s wedding), but this time has hit me harder then any other pregnancy news.  I feel like such a scum bag to not be ecstatically happy with my friend, and honestly, of course I am happy for her…I just don’t know how to shake the feelings of envy and despair.

So, please pray for me.  Hopefully I will get my p.eriod in a week, and then start the Clomid soon after, I will keep you all posted.

Also, in lighter news, I am part of the Creme de la Creme over at Stirrup Queens — check out the icon in the sidebar!