He restoreth my soul.

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“Sometimes I feel, maybe I’m not chosen January 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:57 pm

You’ve hardened my heart like Pharaoh, and that would explain why life’s been so hard for me.” This is from a Caedmon’s Call song and it is something I have been ruminating on now for about a day. Yesterday morning I had my weekly breakfast with a wonderful 17 year old girl, and the following conversation took place:

me: “how do you feel like you are doing, spiritually?”
her: “well, not good. I guess I have just come to know and believe that I’m just not chosen by God to have a relationship with Him”.
me: (staring dumbfounded for a moment) “You can’t know if thats true or not, please don’t give up.”

AARGH, I didn’t know what to say! Here I am, a supposedly mature 24 year old, supposedly close enough to God to be able to spiritually mentor someone, but seriously, there are times when I feel exactly like this girl.

My life has been pretty hard.  Of course, there are many blessings to count along the way, such as always having a roof over my head and food to eat, being rich in the standards of most of the world (not America though haha) and having met and married my wonderful P. But, at risk of sounding complaining here, I have gone through some really tough sh*t.  IF for one thing, and my parents divorce when I was 20 are two major examples.  So I have to admit that there are times when that Caedmon’s Call lyric cuts deep to the bone…maybe I’m not chosen?  I feel as though I’m slowely coming out of the deep freeze that my heart has been in for the past 2 years concerning God, but I really take one step forward and 3 steps back.  I have never felt close to God the way some of my friends and family members do.  I’m just trying to figure out if that is my own sinfulness and something that I can work on, or if it really is God’s choosing to relate to me at a distance.

Anyway, I just had that circling around in my head and wanted to get it out.  I will update after my appointment on the 4th to let you know if C.lomid worked this time!


4 Responses to ““Sometimes I feel, maybe I’m not chosen”

  1. B Says:

    I know what you mean. For me, as of late, I have been questioning whether God really does answer prayers. One of my most recent prayers went unanswered, or as I’m trying to see it, probably was answered by God, but I just didn’t get the result I was praying for. I then try to tell myself that I, a mere human, cannot pretend to comprehend and understand all of God’s ways. But I digress from the point of my comment. I believe that God has chosen you to have a relationship with him, just as he has chosen me and any one else to have relationship with him. Read Deuteronomy, chapter 7. It explains how as long as we love God, and keep his commands, we will be his chosen people, who have the benefits of all of his blessings, including blessed fruit of our wombs (our future babies). I believe that it is up to us, indiviudally, to continually work on how strong we want that relationship with God to be.

    I hope this was helpful.

  2. Hillary Says:

    I think the fact that you WANT to have a relationship with God means he’s chosen you. Our sinful nature’s are against God and do not naturally desire to know him. If you have that desire (even if doesn’t feel like it’s always there), then I believe you can rest assured that God has chosen you. He is faithful to continue the good work he began in you! (just my 2 cents on the topic :))

  3. Michelle Says:

    HI. I found you through The Stirrup Queens blog tonight. My husband and I have experienced six years of infertility, so my heart goes out to you. When you’re in the middle of IF, it’s hard to see and trust in God’s love. I wrote a post recently that touches on the same feelings of abandonment that you expressed in your post and I wanted to share it with you. http://infertilityandadoption.blogspot.com/2009/01/grace.html I pray that you’ll see just how much God loves you, even in the midst of this difficult time.

  4. restorethmysoul Says:

    thanks for all these encouraging comments ladies, i need to hear all of that. michelle, i have added your blog to my reader and i look forward to following your journey, thanks for stopping by!

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