You’ve hardened my heart like Pharaoh, and that would explain why life’s been so hard for me.” This is from a Caedmon’s Call song and it is something I have been ruminating on now for about a day. Yesterday morning I had my weekly breakfast with a wonderful 17 year old girl, and the following conversation took place:
me: “how do you feel like you are doing, spiritually?”
her: “well, not good. I guess I have just come to know and believe that I’m just not chosen by God to have a relationship with Him”.
me: (staring dumbfounded for a moment) “You can’t know if thats true or not, please don’t give up.”
AARGH, I didn’t know what to say! Here I am, a supposedly mature 24 year old, supposedly close enough to God to be able to spiritually mentor someone, but seriously, there are times when I feel exactly like this girl.
My life has been pretty hard. Of course, there are many blessings to count along the way, such as always having a roof over my head and food to eat, being rich in the standards of most of the world (not America though haha) and having met and married my wonderful P. But, at risk of sounding complaining here, I have gone through some really tough sh*t. IF for one thing, and my parents divorce when I was 20 are two major examples. So I have to admit that there are times when that Caedmon’s Call lyric cuts deep to the bone…maybe I’m not chosen? I feel as though I’m slowely coming out of the deep freeze that my heart has been in for the past 2 years concerning God, but I really take one step forward and 3 steps back. I have never felt close to God the way some of my friends and family members do. I’m just trying to figure out if that is my own sinfulness and something that I can work on, or if it really is God’s choosing to relate to me at a distance.
Anyway, I just had that circling around in my head and wanted to get it out. I will update after my appointment on the 4th to let you know if C.lomid worked this time!