He restoreth my soul.

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ICLW February 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 9:08 pm

sorry everyone, i know that it has been awhile since ive posted anything.  honestly, i just didnt really have much to say.  i was just waiting around to see if AF (aunt flo) would show up on her own this time instead of having to take drugs to induce it, and luckily, i have seen signs of her today.  usually for me, getting AF is a depressing time, but today i actually celebrated since it is the first month in awhile that she has showed up without any assistance. 

so anyway, im a day late, but welcome ICLW’ers, i promise i usually post more often.  i have really been on an emotional roller coaster this past month, but i am beginning to come back around, as i always do, to the fact that God is good and that i can’t escape Him, even when he strikes me down.  as much as long to not believe anymore in a God that has chosen to make me wait for the one thing i long for, i just cant run away from the truth that has proven itself to me over and over again.  so now i am just praying for some peace from the Lord, just a little bit of understanding maybe.  oh, and also, a baby would be nice too 🙂

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facebook anyone? February 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:35 pm

I just felt the need to vent for a second, so just give me a minute here, ok? i think i’m going to suspend my facebook.  there’s the obvious reason that it takes up too much of my time at work and its extremely addicting.  but theres another, more potent reason for my facebook hate right now…

its the ultrasound pictures used as photo ids, that you have to see everytime a blurb about that person comes up

its the status updates that center SOLELY around a pregnancy and how wonderful (or sometimes awful) it is to be a mom and be pregnant, etc etc.

its the fact that i have been so tempted to message a couple people that i barely even know and tell them how their statuses and their ultrasound pictures feel like a dagger in my heart.  i know thats not wise, and im not going to do it, but i think i need to suspend facebook.

what about you? have you felt this way, have you stopped using facebook or myspace for the same reason? any advice on a way to deal with it and still use facebook?

 

Quick Update: February 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 7:23 pm

I dont have much heart to update, lets just say things are bad.  please keep me in your prayers or thoughts.

the c.lomid didn’t work.  we are going to try femara one more month and then move on to injectables.  which will cost me about $200 with my insurance i think. i know thats cheaper then some of you who dont have any insurance, but its still a lot and assuming that we would be doing IUIs as well, it means about $500 a month.  its hard to stomach.

 

“Sometimes I feel, maybe I’m not chosen January 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:57 pm

You’ve hardened my heart like Pharaoh, and that would explain why life’s been so hard for me.” This is from a Caedmon’s Call song and it is something I have been ruminating on now for about a day. Yesterday morning I had my weekly breakfast with a wonderful 17 year old girl, and the following conversation took place:

me: “how do you feel like you are doing, spiritually?”
her: “well, not good. I guess I have just come to know and believe that I’m just not chosen by God to have a relationship with Him”.
me: (staring dumbfounded for a moment) “You can’t know if thats true or not, please don’t give up.”

AARGH, I didn’t know what to say! Here I am, a supposedly mature 24 year old, supposedly close enough to God to be able to spiritually mentor someone, but seriously, there are times when I feel exactly like this girl.

My life has been pretty hard.  Of course, there are many blessings to count along the way, such as always having a roof over my head and food to eat, being rich in the standards of most of the world (not America though haha) and having met and married my wonderful P. But, at risk of sounding complaining here, I have gone through some really tough sh*t.  IF for one thing, and my parents divorce when I was 20 are two major examples.  So I have to admit that there are times when that Caedmon’s Call lyric cuts deep to the bone…maybe I’m not chosen?  I feel as though I’m slowely coming out of the deep freeze that my heart has been in for the past 2 years concerning God, but I really take one step forward and 3 steps back.  I have never felt close to God the way some of my friends and family members do.  I’m just trying to figure out if that is my own sinfulness and something that I can work on, or if it really is God’s choosing to relate to me at a distance.

Anyway, I just had that circling around in my head and wanted to get it out.  I will update after my appointment on the 4th to let you know if C.lomid worked this time!

 

UPDATE: January 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 5:09 pm

so $243.00 bought me a little piece of good news: NO CYSTS! i’m going to go ahead and assume that the acupuncture helped with that 🙂

so now, onto cycle 2 with an upped dose of Clomid (150mg) and some fervent prayers that it will create bigger and more follicles this time! my u/s is on feb. 4th, the day after my next acupuncture appt, so i will update after that! thanks for all your prayers and well wishes!

 

Without Thy sweet mercy i could not live here

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 2:06 pm

Just wanted to put up a quick post in order to praise God for His grace to me when I am in need. Yesterday was a day of deep despair, as I found out that I would have to spend $300 (my deductible) to get an ultrasound just to determine if I have any cysts or not — if I have some, they won’t go through with a cycle this month, and then of course, next month I will have to spend money to get ANOTHER ultrasound to see if there are cysts, and so forth. Anyway, the exorbitant price of this IF stuff is really starting to get to P and honestly, to me as well. But anyway…I was really down. Really really really down, dont want to get out of bed kind of down. P running out to buy me a milkshake to try and make me feel better kind of down. and then my phone rings. and i was able to have a hard conversation with someone that i didnt think i would have had any other way and it was needed. it was freeing. i felt like a weight was lifted off of me. thank you if you are reading this — your call was a mercy from the Lord.

and then we had friends over, good, dear friends who know my situation (not many real-life friends know at this juncture) and who really truly care about me. a friend and his wife spent about 20 minutes on my porch just encouraging me, shedding tears and letting me know that me and P’s happiness mattered immensely to them and that they pray in faith and hope for us to have a baby. ive realized how blessed I am to have friends who can pray with hope for me, as I pretty much have no hope at this moment in time. its good to know that others can trust God for me when I can’t.

so thank you, Lord — even when I was deep in despair, You lifted up my eyes to the heavens, whence comes my hope.

 

si se puede January 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — restorethmysoul @ 8:36 pm

P.S.

!!!!

YES WE CAN – 1/20/09!